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Wank Bank Masterclass

Sexual technique or capability is a subject that is most often considered taboo in common society. While sex itself sells, instruction in its techniques can frequently be perceived as a perverted or deviant pursuit. Ironically, it is this very taboo that often leads to participating individuals being uneducated in the arts of the bedroom.

Wank Bank Masterclass seeks to rectify both the squeamishness and ignorance surrounding one aspect of sexual techniques: hand jobs. Visual artist, instructor and self-proclaimed "Rural Ranga" Adam Seymour spends an hour with audiences demonstrating (through the use of the world's most intimidating carrots, as recommended by Maggie Beer; no, really!) a wide variety of techniques to digitally stimulate your partner to climax.

Upon nervously taking our seat in the front row – an unfounded concern, as the only ejaculate featured was of the sparkly tinsel kind – we were given laminated (obviously) instruction sheets to peruse. The techniques listed therein were imaginatively named, with remarkable monikers being "Palm Sunday" and "Rock Around the Cock".

Brave (or volunteered by their friends) audience members ventured up to the massage table to have their carrot and 'balls' (ping-pong balls in thoughtfully colour-matched orange balloons) deftly manipulated by Seymour in demonstration of the successive techniques. Despite the obvious comedy potential of the subject, Seymour is actually an excellent instructor, taking care to remind us less handy acolytes of which techniques require oil lubricants, or where to take significant care regarding circumcised and uncircumcised partners.

Once led through the various techniques, the audience was encouraged to participate in a "circle jerk" with their friends or partners to practice the manoeuvres. One savage female trio accidentally broke the tip of their carrot phallus, much to their amusement and the simultaneous horror of us male attendees.

Wank Bank Masterclass is a hilarious experience that will produce waves of adolescent laughter, but also competently instruct audiences in a dazzling variety of methods to pleasure your male partner by hand. There's nothing to really fault the show on, and though I desperately hope my parents never know of this, I must heartily recommend it with unprecedented full marks.

Five out of five fingers firmly wrapped around a carrot phallus.

★★★★★

For show times and to book tickets, see the Fringe guide.

Matt McKenzie

Matt McKenzie

Language wrangler, ocelot breeder, culture nerd and international jewel thief; a man as preposterous as his claims of exotic feline husbandry or daring cat burglary.

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